I, like so many others my age, am struggling to get a handle on this real life garbage. I don't really know where I'm headed or how to get there. Even this misc. confusion is too ambiguous to me. If I even just knew what the question was then I would be that much closer to the answer, and fuckit I want an answer now D:
I moved in recently with my long time partner, Joel but am now facing trying to find another place to live because I realize, living with him, how vastly different our expectations are of a relationship. I am not angry at all, I just don't want to be a wet blanket to all the things he dreams that are in direct contradiction to what I dream. I am too chicken to split up with him before I find another place, I am too chicken to find another place before I split up with him. I am looking though, lourd help me; after that last move I didn't want to do it again for at least another year but here I am only a couple months later trying to muster the balls it takes to face down this sort of thing.
I also don't know how to say I would like to take the cat, I think I would lose that battle but even though he shits and barfs all over the place I love that cat; it's Joel's cat but it definately likes me more.
I need to do something career wise. I do want to start a business but I am afraid of not making it, I will face up to this fear but I feel foolish to not have anything to fall back on (cashier forever NO THANKZ). I am concerned that no one will like my products, that I am so totally lame and there are other people out there who are more qualified to take your money. I mean it happens to me with my art, why not with everything else. (Man I wish that I could make a supplimentary income off my art or whotnot but it's seriously doubtful that I would get anywhere). I'm not trying to elicit pity here, just saying I am low in the self-confidence right now.
If it were only as easy as being 3 and having everyone else make up my mind for me... but I honestly couldn't live with that, I just wish it weren't so damn hard to be an adult. (I thought it was supposed to be cool and with the whole freedom shebang, kids are so delusional)
It`s been just about forever since I`ve actually posted something to my own journal here, mostly just stalking friends and making use of my DA journal where people actually have the chance to see it. I kinda feel bad about neglecting this ol` bad boy but really I know I am talking to myself.
So anyway up with the updates. I`ve moved downtown Halifax, I have a fabulous condo with Joel and Travis and things are going pretty smoothly though I must admit I didn`t realize how hairy the bathroom would get with a couple of guys living here. My sister Catherine is having a baby which is total excitement. My parents are having a house built out by the ocean and they`re going to run away never to be seen again. I haven`t really heard anything from my other sister, Cora, but I assume no news is good news. I think that I will go to Montreal, maybe next year to visit her and some other friends and to maybe catch a convention. We will see, I am still pondering the monetary aspects of that. I refuse to believe that money doesn`t grow on tress, I just haven`t found the right tree yet. I`ve been working at a fabric store for about half a year now, I don`t know if anyone is aware of that but tadaa.. or something. So I suppose that is all for now untill I feel guilty enough to post another entry.
I'm thinking about heading back out west for a visit, probably not in 2007 but I'm thinking 2008, though who knows I may go next year. However I'm looking at taking the train because I'm going to own up to it, I'm a country girl at heart. Problem is I don't think that there are any passenger trains that run through Calgary (my hometown). For some reason VIA rail avoids Calgary like the plague, it stops in Edmonton and in Jasper and then goes on into BC; I'm definately not going to take the train all the way out there only to drive down from Edmonton in a rental car. I know know KNOW that trains run through Calgary and I find it hard to believe that not ONE is a passenger train. Why don't the CPR and VIA get along to make train travel nicer or something?
There are trains that start tours in Calgary and then go on through the mountains, but I want to be able to catch something from all the way out east here in that direction. I might end up flying which I don't really want, I want to enjoy the scenery and change of country from east to west... and that only really leaves driving, JOY a week pent up in a car... I suppose I should get my license, eh?
I'm now going through the processes to get out of school, hopefully with a partial refund. Trying to get my thyroid sorted out is becoming a real issue as my case isn't terribly standard and going by "the book" isn't working. I may end up having to see a specialist or something stupid. The next few months are going to suck so bad. My medication is all over the place and it doesn't leave much for me to feel good about; either I'm feeling great physically but suffering existencial angst or I'm dead fucking tired, can't think at all but of a better mood. It's hard to say what I would like more. It's like chosing between thinking/doing or feeling.
I can't wait untill Christmas is over. I love Christmas, or I mostly do. It's just that I work retail in a craft store where everyone is stressed out about their last minute Christmas crafts. I also work so many more hours than I feel physically capable of doing (thyroid crap). It'll be nice when the pace slows back down again. When Christmas is done I plan on getting shitfaced and shopping the after Christmas sales. MMMM nothing like hard liquor and shoes.
There is also a mouse or three in the kitchen. I'm not a violent person, and I don't relish in killing things but I want to crush their little heads in. Mice are cute but not in my house, yay disgusting disease ridden vermin in my food supply :X
Hahaha there was a real character of a lady in the store today, showing me photos of her 9 year old rabbit and telling me stories about how she has to massage its bladder to make it pee. Fabric stores attract the real Loonies.
So there has been a lot of stuff going on lately. I've been working a lot of hours and schooling as well. I'm tired all the time because my schedule is pretty intense and the thyroid issues aren't helping. I'm hoping that I get those under controll soon because my grades are RETARDED right now. I feel like I'm constantly in a fog or something which sucks because I've always done well in school.
There has been HUGE drama this week, with my parents having left and LOTS of issues cropping up with my siser. I hope she's doing better soon though because even though it took a serious toll on me she has had it especially rough. HAHA my parents weren't very happy to come home into the situations that exist here. I say at least I didn't burn the house down (though I can't say that I didn't try ;p )
I've been sort of kinda sorta maybe a little looking at new places and thinking on moving out. I've had dinner tonight with the boys and we've worked out some sort of viable living arrangements (and it was the best fucking steak I've ever had). Travis is so eager to get out, he spent a week away with me, essentially, and now he can't go back to his place. I mean his place drives me insane too, rather his family drives me insane, as it does him. Anyway it's really looking forward I think. However I don't think it's going to happen before Christmas time just because of the chaotic schedule and I don't think I'm quite ready to give up this year's Christmas with my family.
I have a few plans yet to be unveiled for after I've moved out. I'm pretty excited about those things.
Commissions are closed indefinately due to the lack of time, and the fact that I just hate taking them most of the time. I just think most people's ideas are lame or their characters trite... I've gone through so many black friggen pencils on emo-ass characters I'm THROUGH.
Maybes: Exceptions will be made for friends, jaffa cakes and some items on my barter list. (interested or think you may qualify contact me, but don't be dissapointed if I turn you down)
Definately Nots: super huge detailed drawings of your gothvampireangeldemonomnipotentmagicfox or suitablealternativemarysue characters
I might be interested in trades in the new year (being that I can'te before then, I have so many christmas projects it's not funny)
Life has been retarded lately, between my health issues, my family's health issues, random violence, people traipsing through my house at all hours of the day, working too much and slipping school grades I just kind of burnt out. Though it does make me optimistic, I mean it's got to improve from here, eh? I have a lot of plans and projects to look forward to on the horizon, I want to keep moving forward even though I feel it is all ultimately futile. Haha, can you be optimistic and depressed at the same time? If not, what am I then?
If you don't live in the states don't bother with dickblick for your art supplies, hell I wouldn't bother with them even if I did live in the states. I ordered a projector from them several weeks ago, a week ago I checked my order status and it said that the item was in stock and reserved for me. The order was supposed to arrive sometime this week so I checked back again to see the status of my order and apparently the line has been discontinued while apparently there was one in stock and IN RESERVE for me. It better as hell not show up on my credit card. It's not like I have a whole lot of money to be spending on art supplies, especially things like projectors that don't show up.
I would be really happy if my projector showed up next monday, but it was supposed to be here by last monday. Even if they do manage to get me my projector I don't think I will be buying from them again.
The goings have been slow and I haven't much to report. I've been kind of in limbo with the darkside commission for ages and haven't really been willing to take too much on while I still have something so old still on the slate. I did pick up a CG commission which is at least bringing a little somethin'-somethin' in but hardly enough. The job hunt has gone kind of sour with the job I was really excited over not wanting anything to do with me. I'm thinking I may just go down to Tim's and see what they can offer me. I really need to get earning money for school. It looms scarey on the horizon ;-;